I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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