watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I will pee on everything he values.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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