He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
