either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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