life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
