Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
