Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
