Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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