problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
