Three words: puerto rican gang bang
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize