You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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