no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
