Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
