The best revenge is premature balding
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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