I wish I could teleport
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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