Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
