Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
