happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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