I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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