Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
