I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am midnight drunk by noon
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
