someone threw a dead crab at me
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
love makes seman taste better
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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