I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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