So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have tasted many bathrooms
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
