ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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