I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
