hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
