She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
