i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
