gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
