Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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