He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
