Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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