I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
