i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
