Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
