You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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