I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
