Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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