and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
