I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
