When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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