Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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