Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
