I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
