Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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