K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
