On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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