dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
