I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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