I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
