put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize