I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize