if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
my nose is crying tears of wow.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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